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Simpsons Quotes

by The Simpsons

Cultist: Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the welcome center?
Homer: Will there be beer?
Cultist: Beer is not allowed.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Moe, on the End of the Cult:
"Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess it's back to good old-fashioned voodoo."

The End of the Cult:
Homer: To think, I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: [disapprovingly] Hmmm!
Homer: Oh, uh, and you, honey.

Homer: Oh, why won't those stupid eggs hatch? What's taking them so long? Bart was born in fifteen minutes!
Marge: [annoyed] Actually, I was in labor for fifty-six hours!
Homer: Oh, really? Well the time just flew by!

Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. [Then, trancelike] Kill the girl. Kill the girl.
[Homer slowly reaches for Lisa. Marge hits him.]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: What, what'd I say?

Homer: So all I have to do is meet with this cult, and I get a free weekend at the resort.
Marge: I don't know if I like this idea, Homer. If you go up there, they'll try to talk you into something, and you don't handle those situations very well.
Homer: Oh, please! Remember the time those people tried to sell us time-share vacations?
Marge: Yes, and you bought FOUR of them! Thank goodness the check bounced.
Homer: See? I beat the system!

Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Rioting Against the Genius Ruling Class:
Homer: C'mon, you idiots! We're taking back this town!
Carl: Yeah, let's make litter out of these literati!
Lenny: That's too clever. You're one of them!
[Lenny punches Carl, knocking him down.]

Bart: Dad, you promised to take us to the lake today.
Homer: I promise you kids LOTS of things. That's what makes me such a good father.
Lisa: Actually Dad, KEEPING your promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a GREAT father.

[Bart and Homer pass a Hare Krishna in the airport. He offers them some literature.]
Hare Krishna: Have you heard of Krishna consciousness?
Homer: This, Bart, is a crazy man.
[They pass a man holding up a Bible.]
Man: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Homer: [sarcastic] Right, that'll work.
[A man and woman stand nearby. They hand Homer a pamphlet.]
Woman: A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.
[Homer looks at their pamphlet. It's titled "The Movementarians." It has a picture of a man on it with words underneath, reading "The Leader."]
Homer: Hmm. Makes sense.

Reverend Lovejoy on Cults:
"This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer forty times, but first, let's pass the collection plate."

Homer Calls the Boudoir Photographer:
Homer: Uh, you're not gonna ask me to pose nude, are ya?
Photographer: Well, yes. Unless you have some issues with revealing your body.
Homer: Well, I don't, but the block association seems to. [with contempt] They wanted a 'traditional' Santa Claus.

"Light is not your friend." --The Boudoir Photographer, telling Homer why she's taking his pictures in the basement.

"Try not to speak--it's making your body ripple." --The Boudoir Photographer, taking pictures of Homer.

"We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?" --Comic Book Guy, showing off his "C:/DOS, C:/DOS/RUN, RUN/DOS/RUN" sweatshirt.

"You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron, 8 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance." --The comic book-influenced wording on Springfield's new, more enticing jury summonses.

"Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean less breeding. For me, much, much more!" --Comic Book Guy, on his plan to create a better Springfield.

Homer's Olympic Mascot, 'Springy':
Homer: My springs! They finally came!
Marge: But we lost the Olympics to Shelbyville!
Homer: Yeah, but I should have no problem selling a thousand springs.
Marge: To who?
Homer: Idiots. [Starts playing with a spring]
Homer: Ooh! These are fun!

Grampa Having Fun:
"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor."

"At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars...except that on the handle somebody's carved, 'Homer Rocks.'" --One of the experts on Antique Appraisal, looking over one of Moe's beer taps.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Homer's Philosophy:
"You know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!"

TRESS MACNEILLE:
Dolph
Brandine [Cletus' woman]
Agnes Skinner

MAGGIE ROSWELL:
Maude Flanders
Helen Lovejoy
Miss Hoover
Luann Van Houten
Princess Kashmir
Shary Bobbins

DAN CASTELLANETA:
Homer Simpson
Grampa Simpson
Barney Gumble
Krusty the Clown
Groundskeeper Willie
Mayor Quimby
Hans Moleman
Sideshow Mel
Itchy
Kodos
Captain Lance Murdock
Gil [the loser salesman]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen
Burns's Lawyer
Homer: So, Marge, ready for another episode of "Don't Go There?"
Marge: I'm tired of that show. But I've been hearing good things about "Talk to the Hand."
Homer: Okay, whatever takes my mind off my life.

"Hmmm. What's an 'eltdown?'" --Homer, reading his beeper.

Homer's Repentance:
"I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha--I love you all!"

[Half awake, Homer listens to the radio at work.]
Radio Announcer: Okay, FDR is in the White House, an ice cream cone costs a nickel, and a hot new tune by Benny Goodman is hitting the charts. The year is 1939.
[Homer snaps awake.]
Homer: Ninetee--Nineteen thirty-nine! Oh my god! I've gone back in time! I've got to warn everybody about Hitler--and get to the ice cream store!
[Lenny and Carl walk in.]
Lenny: Hey, uh, Homer, what's all the hubbub?
Carl: Let me guess...you traveled back in time again?
Homer: Shut up! You haven't even been born yet!

At the Steakhouse:
Homer: Wait a minute! Is this the biggest steak you've got? Seventy-two ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly underpantsy, pink doily tea party place.
Waiter: Well, there is one steak that's only available by special request...We call it "Sir-Loin-A-Lot." It's the size of a boogie board.
Homer: Oooh! I'll have that one. And to drink, meatballs.

After Homer's Eating Contest:
"What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated."

Bart: Dad, they're trying to kill us!
Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

MARCIA WALLACE:
Edna Krabappel

RUSSI TAYLOR:
Martin Prince
Uter
Sherri/Terri
Wendell

PAMELA HAYDEN:
Milhouse Van Houten
Rod Flanders
Janey Powell [Lisa's black friend]
Jimbo Jones

DORIS GRAU:
Lunchlady Doris

HARRY SHEARER:
C. Montgomery Burns
Waylon Smithers
Ned Flanders
Principal Skinner
Otto the Bus Driver
Reverend Lovejoy
Dr. Hibbert
Kent Brockman
Jasper
Lenny
Eddie [the cop]
Rainier Wolfcastle/McBain
Scratchy
Kang
George Bush
Bill Clinton

In anticipation of the imminent demise of Simpsonia every day, here are some of the voices behind the characters. It's kind of interesting to see how many of the characters are done by the same people.

JULIE KAVNER:
Marge Simpson
Patty Bouvier
Selma Bouvier

YEARDLEY SMITH:
Lisa Simpson
[Okay, some are less interesting than others...]

NANCY CARTWRIGHT:
Bart Simpson
Nelson Muntz
Todd Flanders
Ralph Wiggum
Kearney

HANK AZARIA:
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon
Moe Szyslak
Chief Wiggum
Comic Book Guy
Lou
Carl
Dr. Nick Riviera
Snake
Kirk Van Houten
Captain McCallister [sea captain]
Bumblebee Man
Superintendant Chalmers
Professor Frink
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
Drederick Tatum
Old Jewish Man
Luigi the pizza restaurant owner
Duffman
Khal Kalash Vendor

Homer's Gratitude:
"I'm the luckiest man in the world...now that Lou Gehrig's dead."

"Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it." --Marge, on the artificial kidney Homer made.

Love at the Nerd Convention:
Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five-year-old-virgins who still live with their parents?
Nerdy Young Woman: Comb the Sweettarts out of your beard, and you're on.
Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, baby!

"Welcome futurists, cyberphiles, and the rest of you dateless wonders..." --Mayor Quimby's greeting at the Sci-Fi convention.

"All right, step away, foolish amateurs, just keep back, keep out of it! The role is MINE with the acting and the groupies and the 'Luke, Luke save me' with the light saber and the Vwhing! Vwhing! Vwhing!" --Prof. Frinck, hoping to be chosen to re-enact a Star Wars scene.

Quimby: You call yourselves bodyguards? You're fired!
Bodyguard #1: Fired, huh? Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for ya?
Bodyguard #2: Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?
Quimby: I'll tell ya who! Him! [points to Homer]
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Bodyguard Training School:
Instructor: As a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee, not to your family, not to your country, not to Moo-hammed!
Homer: Even during Ramadan?
Instructor: Shut yer' sass-hole, boy!

"Awright young 'uns, bath time! Cover up your eyes and drop your britches!" --Cletus, about to drive his truck through the car wash with a payload full of his kids.

The Morning After 'The Big Bender':
Flanders: [happily excited] I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing!
Homer: Welcome to my world.

Marge: Like my mother always said, "You've got to stick it out, even if you've picked a loser..."
[Homer puts his finger in his ear, takes it out, and looks at it.]
Homer: Hmmm...
Marge: "...to the bitter end."

"Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G's!" --Homer, on his new name.

At the State Grant Money Assembly:
Lisa: I know this giant check is very important to everyone here. But what's even more important is the truth.
[The crowd murmurs; Skinner gives Lisa the 'cut it out' sign.]
Lisa: Because after all, education is the search for truth.
Skinner: No, no, it isn't! Don't listen to her, she's out of her mind!

Grampa's Deathbed:
Grampa: I don't wanna die!
Reverend Lovejoy: There, there. Just remember that you're going to a better place.
Marge: Shouldn't you perform Last Rites?
Lovejoy: Marge, that's Catholic! Why don't you just ask me to do a voodoo dance?

Bart: Look! Santa's Little Helper has gone back to the dog track we found him at!
Homer: Don't worry. They'll throw him out as soon as they find out he doesn't have any money. (darkly under his breath) Believe me, I know.

On Vacation:
[In a bar]
Grampa: Can't get a good sarsaparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
Bartender: You like it, huh?
Grampa: Up yours!

Marge: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

"Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night! Or, in this case, uh, the daytime." --Chief Wiggum

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more popular than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
Lisa: But Dad--
Homer: Uh-uh! Think, "Is that what the new girl would say?"

In the Elementary School Library:
[Homer is sitting at a table with a book]
Bart: Dad? What are you doing here?
Homer: They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some...unpleasantness. I can never go back.

Problems With the Film Projector:
Homer: Stupid movie! Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart?
Lisa: It was Thomas Edison, Dad.
Bart: I thought he invented the lightbulb.
Lisa: That, too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone, and the electric car.
Homer: One man can't do all that. You're a liar, honey, a dirty rotten liar!
Grampa: Finish her! Finish her!
Lisa: It's true. I read it on a placemat at a restaurant.
Homer: Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.

Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Homer: (talking to Marge on the emergency phone while driving the monorail, which is out of control) Marge, you've got to do something--I don't want to die!"
Marge: I think I've found someone who can help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, it's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: Homer, it's NOT Batman!

THE POWER PLANT COMMERCIAL
[Homer, Lenny and Karl enter a room wearing graduation caps and lettermen sweaters]
Lenny: [mechanically] Well, here we are. We just graduated from college with a meaningful degree.
Karl: But now we need a meaningful career. I know--we could roast chestnuts. Everybody needs chestnuts!
Lenny: Or we could become beggars. I know a guy who will saw your legs off for free!
Homer: No, fellows, you have it all wrong. I know for a fact that the nuclear power plant is hiring qualified people like us.
Lenny and Karl: Wow!
Homer: Yes. It's the career of tomorrow...today! So it's settled. We'll all pursue our great opportunities in the field of . . . . . . . LINE!
Burns: [in an angry whisper] Nuclear power!!!
Homer [in a menacing voice imitating Burns]: Nuclear power!!!
Burns [bursting onto the set, throwing down his directors megaphone]: You blithering flock of dunderheads are the worst--[End of commercial]
[Pan back from the TV. Homer smiling, everyone else sitting uncomfortably]
Marge: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

"Boy, I'll tell ya. They only come out at night! Or, in this case, uh, the daytime." --Chief Wiggum

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more popular than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
Lisa: But Dad--
Homer: Uh-uh! Think, "Is that what the new girl would say?"

In the Elementary School Library:
[Homer is sitting at a table with a book]
Bart: Dad? What are you doing here?
Homer: They won't let me in the big people library downtown. There was some...unpleasantness. I can never go back.

Problems With the Film Projector:
Homer: Stupid movie! Who invented these dumb things anyway? Was it you, Bart?
Lisa: It was Thomas Edison, Dad.
Bart: I thought he invented the lightbulb.
Lisa: That, too. He also invented the phonograph, the microphone, and the electric car.
Homer: One man can't do all that. You're a liar, honey, a dirty rotten liar!
Grampa: Finish her! Finish her!
Lisa: It's true. I read it on a placemat at a restaurant.
Homer: Really? A restaurant? Well, now I don't know what to think.

Homer Simpson--Concerned Parent:
[Lisa calls Homer at the power plant.]
Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Who is this?
Lisa: It's Lisa. I just called to tell you how much I love you, and can I take the bus to the museum?
Homer: Museum? Mmm, I don't like the sound of that. What'd your mother say?
Lisa: Um, I wasn't a hundred percent clear on that. She said something, but she was kind of in a rush to get Bart to the emergency room.
Homer: Hmm...so you wanna take the bus, huh?

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" --Homer the devout believer.

Various gag powders available for purchase at Yuk-ingham Palace [novelty shop] include: itching (featuring a picture of a man scratching all over); heart attack (featuring a man clutching his chest); and impotence (featuring a man clutching his groin area and turning away, ashamed).

[Watching Lisa play a pee-wee hockey game are Homer, Marge, Bart, & Maggie]
Lisa: [on the ice] Ralph Wiggum lost his shinguards! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
Homer: Wow! Eye of the tiger! Mouth of a teamster! [points scornfully at Bart] And to think of all the time I wasted on you!...Er, well, not...wasted, really, but....uh, I love you, son. [pats Bart on the head condescendingly]

On the Mayor's Plan to Destroy the Comet with a Rocket:
Homer: There's nothing to worry about.
Lisa: But Dad, what if the plan doesn't work? What if the rocket doesn't hit the comet? What do you think is going to happen then?
Homer: Lisa, that's why we have elected officials: so we don't HAVE to think! Remember that rain forest scare a few years back? The politicians saw we had a problem, came up with a solution, and fixed it, right?
Lisa: I don't think--
Homer: There's that word again!

Homer the Geologist:
"When you think about it, mud is nothin' but wet dirt."

Marge: Something is different with Bart lately.
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: He just doesn't seem to be himself.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
Lisa: But you're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Homer: Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do.

"Stupid trash...rotten, stinking...hate world, revenge soon...take out on everyone..." --Homer, taking out the trash.

The Awful Truth:
Marge: Oh, Homer, you didn't beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I wrote a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name, period.
Homer: You signed my name? I feel so violated!
Marge: You've signed my name lots of times.
Homer: But this isn't like a loan application or a will! You signed away my dignity!

"Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector, but I don't know if I trust him with my garbage." --Karl, on Homer's campaign for Sanitation Commissioner

Weight Anxiety:
Homer: Oh, Marge! How could you let me let myself go like this?
Marge: Me? I'm not the one who puts butter in your coffee!

Homer Meets McBain:
Homer: Rainer Wolfcastle! Oh, I love your movies and your Powersauce bars and your taut, rippling--
Wolfcastle: Hey, hey, hey, that's enough!

Mojo the Helper Monkey:
Marge: Oh, for Pete's sake! Why is that monkey wearing a diaper? I thought he was housebroken!
Homer and Mojo: Eh.
Marge: You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters, and now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.
Homer: What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof!

Applying for a Helper Monkey:
Homer: Here you go. [hands the Animal Assistants coordinator his completed application]
Coordinator: Uh, Mr. Simpson, you neglected to list what your handicap is.
Homer: Huh?
Coordinator: These animals are designed to help people with disabilities perform daily tasks. Your application doesn't specify in what way you are disabled.
Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped, I'm just lazy!

Grampa: Look what that bad egg of a son of yours did to my teeth!
Homer: Oh, Dad! You and your stories: "Bart broke my teeth", "the nurses are stealing my money", "this thing on my neck is getting bigger".
Marge: Homer, this is exactly the kind of thing Bart's teachers are talking about: he does something wrong and you don't punish him.
Homer: But Marge, look at that hang-dog expression on his face. He feels sorry for what he did. [Looks at Bart, who has a false I'm-sorry look] Let's get him a present.
Marge: No, Homer. You have to punish him!
Homer: Alright, alright. Bart, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet!

"Will you look at those morons! I paid my taxes over a year ago!"

Homer Does His Taxes:
Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count--I'll just estimate! Uh, nine!
Marge: Homer, you know we don't have--
Homer: Shut up, shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay, I need some deductions, deductions...Oh, business gifts!
[He takes the sailboat painting from above the couch and hands it to Marge.]
Homer: Here you go, keep using nuclear power!
Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.
Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.
Bart: Cool!

"Quiet, honey, you don't know how big this government is! It goes all the way to the president!" --Homer the political scientist.

"We believe Burns still has that loot hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof." --FBI agent, explaining why Homer is needed.

Bart the TV Star:
Homer: C'mon Lisa, say something funny like your brother.
Lisa: Forget it, Dad. If I ever become famous, I want it to be for something worthwhile, not because of some obnoxious fad.
Bart: Obnoxious fad?
Homer: Don't worry, son, they said the same thing about Urkel...that little snot! Boy, I'd like to smack that kid!

Shoe Shopping at the Mall:
Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.
[Marge makes a disapproving sound and notices something.]
Marge: Look, Homer--here's that bird you like to argue with!
[Homer looks over and sees a parrot sitting atop a perch in front of "All Pets Great and Cheap".]
Homer: Well, well, well...if it isn't Professor Know-It-All. Excuse me, Marge. [Walks off.]

Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
Bart: Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

"Oh, they have the Internet on computers now." --Homer, reading "Internet for Dummies."

Homer: ...So I says to this guy, 'Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma: maybe she shouldn't have mouthed off in the first place!'
Lisa: Dad, don't you see? Vigilantism is not the answer. If armed mobs take it upon themselves to enforce the law, anarchy will prevail. Who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
Marge: Homer, this is getting out of control. You formed this posse in the first place to catch the cat burglar, and you haven't done it yet.
Lisa: And you still haven't got my saxophone back yet.
Homer: But honey, we've been so busy! We're working on several different projects at once. [pulls out a list] One: stopping the destruction of the rain forests. Two: preserving our historic covered bridges. Three: world domination--
Lisa: World domination?!
Homer: Oh, heh heh...that must be a typo.
Homer's brain: Mental note: The girl knows too much!

Not Insured:
Lisa: We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.
Homer: Curse you, Magic Beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.

Moe's Dreams of Boxing Glory:
Moe: Yeah, when I was 'Kid Moe', EVERYONE wanted a piece of me! But then, when I didn't make the Big Time, they all just disappeared.
Homer: How come you didn't make the Big Time?
Moe: I got knocked out 42 consecutive times. Plus, politics. It's all politics!
Homer: Lousy Democrats!

Watching the Noah's Ark Movie:
[Troy McClure, as Noah, stands on a cliff before a darkened sky. God's voice calls out to him.]
God: Noah, thou shalt build thyself an ark measuring three hundred cubits in length.
[Noah writes the figure down on a tablet as he responds.]
Noah: Three hundred cubits, give or take...
[The sky thunders.]
God: Exactly three hundred!
[The Simpsons, watching the movie]
Bart: Whoa, cool! God is so in-your-face!
Homer: Yeah. He's my favorite fictional character.

Principal Skinner, at the Model U.N. Club:
[Pounding his shoe on the table] "Order! Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?"
[The banner on the bus reads, "Model UN: 'Order At Any Cost.'" It features a dove holding a machine gun.]

At the Police Seized-Property Auction:
[Chief Wiggum stands at a podium, gesturing to some metal gates with the name "Johnny D." inscribed in them.]
Wiggum: These prestigious wrought-iron security gates are bulletproof, bombproof, and battering-ram resistant. Now--
Skinner: Then what happened to Johnny D.?
Wiggum: He forgot to lock 'em. Now what am I bid?
Patron: One kilo!
Wiggum: Sold!

Bart's Lie:
Chief Wiggum: Now, um, what did the burglar look like?
Bart: Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, um, big scar on his cheek...
Wiggum: Anything unusual?
Bart: Hooks for hands. Um, oh, oh, he was wearing a striped convict's shirt, and he was carrying a big sack with a dollar sign on it.
Lou: Classic burglar.

[As the Simpsons leave the "Jeopardy" set, Alex Trebek calls after them.]
Alex Trebek: Aren't we forgetting something, Marge? You were down fifty-two hundred dollars.
Marge: But Mr. Trebek--
Alex: I asked you before the game if you knew the rules and you said you did. Judges?
[Two thugs carrying clubs step out from the shadows.]
Lisa: Run, mom!

Homer: Hey, boy. Where ya goin'?
Bart: Father-son picnic. [leaves]
Homer: Have a good time! ... Wait a minute--Bart doesn't have a son!

At the Health Fair:
[Marge gives a presentation in front of the First Aid booth.]
Marge: Now make no mistake; when I say, "First Aid," I'm not talking about some sort of charity rock concert.
[As Marge laughs at her own joke, the audience stares blankly.]
Marge: I'm talking about treating serious injuries.
[The crowd erupts with laughter. Krusty laughs along with them and then pulls out a notepad, jotting something down.]
Krusty: Serious injuries...oh, that's gold!

[Bart brings the mail to Homer on the couch]
Bart: Mail delivery service. That'll be three dollars.
Homer: [pulling money out of his wallet] Done and done!
Bart: Hey! This isn't real. This is Montana militia money.
Homer: [menacingly] It'll be real soon enough!

Marge: Ooh! There's an azalea festival at the public garden!
Homer: Aw, I went yesterday.
[Marge makes a disappointed sound.]
Homer: Lenny really wanted to go.
Marge: I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all the time.
Homer: Open a window.

The Waiting:
[In the store, Homer reaches for his new gun, but the cashier holds onto it.]
Cashier: Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
[The cashier pulls the gun away from Homer.]
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun!
Cashier: Yeah, well, you don't.

Marge Finds Out That Homer Kept the Gun:
Marge: You lied to me! You looked me in the eyes and lied right to my face! Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst--the most despicable!
Homer: But Marge, I swear to you--I never thought you'd find out!

"Your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level." --Dr. Hibbert, examining Homer.

Burns' Quest for Popularity:
Burns: I've been going about it all wrong. If I want people to love me, I have to think BIG! And I know just the thing: I'll find what man has been searching for since the dawn of time!
Homer: A sober Irishman?
Burns: No, something that actually exists. The Loch Ness monster!

Marge the Optimist:
"Oh, Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the C.H.U.D.s."

Homer Shows the Salesman the Door:
Security salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives?
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.

The Simpsons, on Names:
Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stenchblossoms.
Homer: Or crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

"But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds! [Looks up] Oh, I've wasted my life." --The Comic Book Guy, speaking to the comic book he reads and then realizing he's about to be struck by a neutron bomb.

"What began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a citywide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby has declared mob rule. So, for the next several years, it's every family for itself." --Kent Brockman on the soccer rampage

Burns' Secret of Success:
Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship: these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony baloney church. Or synagogue. Questions?
Lisa: As an industrialist, what are you doing to help the environment?
Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say 'Hard cheese!"

Lazy Wiggum:
"Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?"

"Curious George and the Ebola Virus": What Marge offers to read Bart when he's feeling down.

Moe: Yeah, all right, listen up. This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
[A few men raise their hands.]
Moe: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin'.
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You're livin' in the past, Marge. Quit livin' in the past!

Mayor Quimby: I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies.
Mayor's aide: [low] Uh, election in November. Election in November.
Quimby: What, again? This stupid country!

[Watching TV, Marge and Homer see a commercial for the grand opening of a new shopping mall on the waterfront.]
Marge: Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is, I didn't imagine it.

Homer's Toast:
"To alcohol! The cause of--and solution to--all of life's problems!"

[Watching TV, Marge and Homer see a commercial for the grand opening of a new shopping mall on the waterfront.]
Marge: Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is, I didn't imagine it.

Homer's Toast:
"To alcohol! The cause of--and solution to--all of life's problems!"

Flanders: Homer, I've got a fozzie of a bear of a problem. Y'know, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong God, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.
Homer: Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Flanders: Well, any hoodily-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage-taking--but I have to drive to Capital City, fill out some forms to get 'em out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Uh, gee, I'd really love to want to help you, Flanders, but...uh, Marge was taken prisoner in the...Holy Land and uh...
Lisa: I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Flanders: I don't know, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible, and my parents will be right next door!
Flanders: Well, what do you say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit for my kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her.

At the Shop:
Marge: Oh, Homer, look! Look! A TV Guide owned by Jackie O.!
Clerk: Oh, you should see the crossword puzzle! She thought that 'Mindy' lived with 'Mark.'
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

Back-Alley Medical Clinic:
"Um, I must've, like, fallen on a bullet and it, like, drove itself into my gut." --Snake, dripping blood from his stomach in Dr. Nick Riviera's office.

Putting Bart's Fears to Rest:
Homer: Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes--
Marge: We're very proud of you, by the way.
Homer: And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that he'd butcher you horribly if he could--
Marge: But he's safely locked away!
Homer: In a medium security prison.
Marge: For life.
Homer: Unless he gets out somehow.
Marge: Which is impossible!
Homer: Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before.

Air Force Officer: We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a UFO.
Lisa: I didn't see any UFO!
Air Force Officer: That's right, miss. You didn't!

Interviewing the Nanny:
Homer: Who was your last employer?
Shary Bobbins: Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.
Homer: [whispering] Marge, do we know them?
Marge: No.
Homer: Are you sure? Isn't he that guy I work with and hang out at the bar with? You know, the black guy.
Marge: That's Carl.
Homer: Ri-i-ight. [To Shary] So you used to work for Carl, eh?

Trent Steel: How about that: my 1:00 just cancelled. Say, have you had lunch yet?
Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four of them.

At the Roulette Table:
Homer: Quick, Flanders, what's your birthday? I need a lucky number.
Flanders: Leave me out of this Homer. According to Deuteronomy 7, gambling is--
Homer: Seven it is! [puts a pile of chips on 7]
Roulette operator: And the winner is...Seven!
Homer: Woo-hoo! The Bible's finally pulling its own weight! Got any more holy numbers?

Homer: I need the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.
Librarian: [placing a book on the counter] Here you go: the phone book for Hokkaido, Japan.
Homer: Can I use your phone?
Librarian: Uh...is it a local call?
Homer: . . . . Yes.

The Ranger, setting out to look for Homer and Burns:
"Okay, search party. Before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. [Bends down and puts his arms around Bart and Lisa] Kids, your father's gonna be just fine. [Standing up] Okay everybody, put on your corpse handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain."

Mr. Sympathy:
"Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her--during the commercial."

The X-Files:
Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?

Mr. Burns' Ethics:
"If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say cheating is the gift Man gives himself."

Marge's Pretzel Business:
Marge: Homer, did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors through violent beatings and death threats??
Homer: In those words? . . . Yes.
Marge: This sickens me! How could you?
Homer: Oh, Marge, how could I not? I watched you pour your heart and soul into this business, watched you toil endlessly to try and cram one more salty treat down America's already bloated snackhole, and I did what any loving husband would do: I reached out to some violent mobsters!

Marge: Being a real estate agent sounds so rewarding! I'd really like to give it a try.
Homer: I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.

At the Police Station:
Homer: You've got to help us! Some carnies have moved into our house and locked us out!
Chief Wiggum: Well if it isn't Mr. No-Bribe! Why don't you sit down and tell your story to Detective Like-I-Give-A-Damn.
Homer: [relieved] Oh, thank you! [sits down]
Lisa: ...Uh...Dad? I don't think--
Homer: Shhh, honey. Daddy's waiting for the detective.

Reverend Lovejoy and the Simpson's Second Wedding:
"I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you, Marge, take Homer, in richness and in poorness?--Poorness is underlined--In impotence and potence? In quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet-powered monkey-navigated...and it goes on like this."

Homer Running the Carnival Booth:
Chief Wiggum: Well, what do we have here? I'd hate to find out that this ring toss game is crooked. Otherwise I'd have to shut it down. [Leans forward and casually holds out his hand].
Homer: Yes, that would be sad.
Bart: Uh, Dad, I think you're supposed to--
Homer: Shhh, son. Daddy's talking to the policeman.
Wiggum: Oka-a-ay. Let me put it this way: I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any bills around here? [looks at the cash box]
Homer: No . . . His name's Bart.
[Wiggum, frustrated, runs a hand over his face and groans. He winks while he talks.]
Wiggum: Listen carefully and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Wiggum: The guy I'm REALLY looking for, wink, is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. [holds out his palm]
Homer: [staring blankly] . . . It's a ring toss game.
Wiggum: That's it, I'm shutting this game down.

Homer: Hi, Dad! It's your favorite son. I've come to spend some quality time with you!
Grampa: What a crock! You just came here to put me in a home and you know it!
Homer: You're already in a home.
Grampa: [anguished] Oh, how could you?!

Being Lazy in the Retirement Home:
Homer: Nurse! I need another bottle of liquified potato chips. And I think I'm getting a bedsore--what's it take to get turned around here?
[Nurse disgustedly rolls him over onto his stomach]
Homer: Hey, what's Lucky hooked up to over there?
Nurse: That's a respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: A respirator? And all this time I've been using my own lungs like a sucker!

The Charity Auction:
Krusty [announcer]: Now the purpose of this auction is to raise money for the fire department so they can buy a fire truck so they can drive to fires.
Bart: [in audience] Pffft. Lazy bums.
Homer: Yeah. Why don't we just buy them mink stoles!
Bart: [laughing] Good one, Homer.

Apu: Oh no! It is my mother! She has come here to meet the wife I told her I had to get out of this arranged marriage. Now when she finds out I have lied to her, I will have to go through with it. What am I going to do? You must help me!
Homer: Well...you could always move into my house and pretend that Marge is your wife.
Apu: Is it just me, or do all your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Homer: I need a gun! Besides, the Constitution says I'm supposed to own one.
Lisa: Dad, the Second Amendment is just a relic left over from the Revolutionary War era.
Homer: Oh yeah? Well, without a gun in the house, the king of England could just barge right in here anytime he wanted to and push you around like he owned the place. Is that what you want? Huh? Is it?

Homer the Father/Coach:
Bart: But I don't want to be quarterback! I don't know anything about being quarterback! I suck!
Homer: I have complete faith in you, son.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Now how about a hug?

Homer the Disciplinarian:
Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and--Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have MIS-placed my pants.
Woman: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.
Homer: [chuckles] 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him.
Bart: You're the man, Homer.

Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you!
[Marge closes her eyes; she opens them to see Homer pointing a gun in her face]
Marge: AAAAHHHH!! What is THAT doing in here?
Homer: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the handle, and this is the trigger, and this is the part you point at whatever you want to die.

Homer the Disciplinarian:
Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and--Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have MIS-placed my pants.
Woman: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.
Homer: [chuckles] 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him.
Bart: You're the man, Homer.

Homer: Close your eyes, Marge. I've got a surprise for you!
[Marge closes her eyes; she opens them to see Homer pointing a gun in her face]
Marge: AAAAHHHH!! What is THAT doing in here?
Homer: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the handle, and this is the trigger, and this is the part you point at whatever you want to die.